You motorboatin son of a bitch!!!!!!!!

I have a lot of time on my hands at work...a lot of time. So sitting in one spot for 12 hours at a time causes a mind to wander. My brother is coming back into LA tonight, and wants to go out. My team leader wants to go out as well, and another one of my coworkers opted to stay in. Without any prompting he asked about a famous strip club here in LA. Now I dont think we are planning on hitting a strip club (although I have no moral objections). But, it did start me thinking. The business relationship between a dancer and a customer may be the greatest business arrangement of all time. They have boobies, the customer wants to see boobies, and they charge a lot of money for that priveledge. Look at it purely from that standpoint (not taking into account issues associated with strip clubs) and it's a truly incredible business relationship. Boobies make people happy! Try saying the word boobies without cracking a smile. I bet you cant. Yell it...BOOBIES! I bet you smile. THe people around you might look at you funny, but I am sure that at least one person will smile as his or her mind starts to wander. I'm just sayin...boobies make people happy. Vince Vaughn uttered the lines.."Did you motorboat her...I bet you did you motorboatin son of a bitch" with a huge smile on his face, and everyone in the theater smiled as well. I know I am not the only one who feels this way...So lets all echo the sentiments of The Bloodhound Gang...Hooray For Boobies!!!!!!

My job...

I took a great deal of time off from my "real job". Enough time to realize a few things. One of the biggest realizations is that I enjoy being in one place leading a normal life. Right now my life is so far from normal that anyone reading this would not believe me. I spent 9 days in NYC watching a woman who was pushing 80 spend money like she printed it. All in cash as well! She had really refined shopping to an artform!
I am now in LA looking after a family I have looked after before. I spend 12 hours a night in a hallway just in case the protectee wants to go out. Her son had 2 cars delivered here today. The new Mclaren Mercedes, and a brand new ferrari. Paid for with cash! It is unfreaking believable I tell you. Over a million dollars in automobile paid for in cash. Seriously...a 610 thousand dollar car...is that really necesary? Apparently in some circles it is.
I enjoy what I do but its time for me to move on. I miss Jamie terribly...I guess I am at a point in my life where I just really value what is important, and I have trouble tolerating the things that are not. It would be one thing if I was actually keeping someone safe...especially someone that deserved to have me keep them safe. But, I am not. In my younger days, when I first started in this business I would work anyone...anyone at all. I protected a lot of people that were not very nice. I try to stay away from that now. I tend to only protect people that have a significant threat, and have a need/desire for security. My current gig is nowhere close to that...my current gig is purely for the money. And, right about now that is not a good enough reason for me.
So this time next year I want to have a new career. I want to do something that serves the greater good, and I dont want to be away from the person I love. I used to work all the time. I ignored everything but work, and my life fell apart. I worked hard to put a life back together, and the life I have is like nothing I could have ever imagined. I want to keep it that way.
So here it is in writing...my commitment to do something else. I want to read this a year from now, and smile as I am preparing for the holidays with Jamie in our place in New England. I dont want to be calling her from some distant location saying I wish I was there with you. Sharing happiness...that is what is important. That is my priority. After this job I dont think I wil be losing sight of that...

Civilian Casualties

I read a friends post on Facebook today about an airstrike in Afghanistan that killed 7 civilians. The only part of the article she posted was the part about 7 civilians being killed. She forgot to mention that 15 taliban fighters who had just ambushed a NATO column were killed. She carried on in her post about innocent civilian deaths in Afghanistan. 15 bad guys standing next to 7 "innocents". The article said that the "innocent" casualties were sons of the people that lived in the area. They may be young, children actually, but I have serious doubts as to their innocence. A child can kill you just as quickly in a warzone. Kids in Iraq act as spotters for the crews manning IEDs on routes frequented by American troops. Thats not speculation on my part...that is fact. I have seen it with my own eyes. The people we are fighting in Afghanistan have already demonstrated that they are capable of making devastating blows to the American people right here at home. Keeping them "on the run" keeps us safe here at home. Bringing the fight to them is the only way to win. And, when we bring the fight to them make it fierce. The war in Iraq has clouded the issues when it comes to the war in Afghanistan. The poeple in Afghanistan allowed the terrorist organizations to build training camps to train people to carry out operations inside the US...INSIDE THE US. They will do it again given the chance. So 7 "civilian" casualties to kill 15 bad guys...totally acceptable. 40 "civilian" casualties to kill 4 bad guys...acceptable. 3000 people died when the planes sarted hitting buildings...3000 plus American lives lost on our soil. They will do it again...so keep bombing them, chase them into the hills, follow them, and kill them. Harsh words...but war is a terrible terrible thing. Half assing a war makes it worse...let our boys do their jobs over there, and bring them home when its done. And thank them for doing the terrible things they had to do to keep us safe...

Kermit the Frog?

I often ask myself, and anyone in earshot, if the whole world has suddenly become less intelligent. Usually my exact words go something like this..."Holy shit! Has the whole world taken a fucking stupid pill?!?!?!". I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. It usually follows something I see covered on some news site, or on TV. For example, when John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate. Or, When Barack Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate. I have since tempered my initial response to both choices. Sarah Palins incredible audacity, and sheer idiocy is completely entertaining. And, I have no response positive or negative when it comes to Joe Biden. I have resigned myself to the fact that Rome is definitely burning and there is nothing I can do about it so I think I will fiddle happily. I have not seen a single political advertisement, I did not watch the debates, and I no longer give a fat rats ass who wins this election. None of the candidates are worthy of my vote. I am going to write in Kermit the Frog. I have watched Kermit since he was a cub reporter on Sesame Street with his trademark "Hi-Ho Kermit the Frog here!". I watched his rise from the swamps...I watched him lead his merry band of muppets through one adventure after another. Kermit is honest,loyal,honorable, and friendly. He has more leadership qualities than any of the candidates that we have to choose from, and he is infinitely smarter than our current president. So before you ask yourself..."Has Rob G taken a fucking stupid pill today?" sit through the original Muppet Movie. You'll see what I mean...

Road Construction...

I live right outside of Boston now...I love the area but have a huge issue with the traffic. I realize that any city is going to have traffic, and I am not actually going to complain about Boston traffic. The rest of the state, and surrounding states, are another matter though. I have been on busy highways with several miles of "two right lanes closed" with traffic backing up for miles! Is it totally necessary to block off 6 miles of traffic lanes for work that takes place in a 100 yard stretch? I can understand if the construction actually produced results...but those same stretches of road still resemble Route Irish in Baghdad after weeks of construction. And what is with truckers weaving back and forth over the shoulder to prevent people from getting by. Who the fuck died and made them the almighty overlords of americas highways?!?!? I had to drive up on the grass to make it around a truck weaving back and forth over the shoulder. How did that guy know I was not having some kind of emergency and needed to exit the highway as fst as I could? I dont condone road rage by any stretch, having been victim to it, but I really wanted to go bury a knife in his tires. Dont even get me started on the ENTIRE state of Connecticut! Construction from end to end! It is ridiculous...I have an idea...come up with a material for roads that does not have to be replaced every other month! Or just do the job right the first time!

Mideast Peace???

Originally posted November 27, 2007...moved here...
There is a big one day meeting in Annapolis Maryland today. All the players in the middle east will be there. The purpose of this one day event is to put an end to CENTURIES of warfare...I find it hysterical that the powers that be think that centuries of gripes,religious differences, and land squabbles can be resolved in one day. Now I am pretty sure this is largely symbolic, and they are getting together to at least give the appearance that they give a crap. My question is this...when is enough enough?
The Israelis and Palistinians will never get along...NEVER. The rivalry between different Palistinian groups will never be resolved.The Iranians and their hobbit president will eventually have nukes (and use them). The Syrian government will continue to let terrorists train in their country. The Pakistani government (who has nukes) will always play both sides of the fence, and the Saudis are a bunch of untrustworthy snakes.
I have a little experience in the middle east, and I have extensive experience dealing with Saudis. It may sound a bit bitter but I stand by my rather bold statements. So we are going to lie to them, they are going to lie to each other, and the conflict rages on. My solution is let them fight. Its not like we need to be in that region of the world anymore...we have the technology for alternative fuel sources.
Our dependence on middle eastern (Saudi) oil, and all the financial windfalls for the people involved is a disgrace. We live in a great country, we are completely dependent on oil produced by a country full of people that absolutely despise our way of life. I see a huge problem with that. I just cant figure out why nobody else sees a problem with that. Especially our elected officials who we trust to have our best interest in mind. So when I see that there is a huge one day conference to bring about peace in the middle east I have to laugh.
You want peace in the middle east? Air conditioners (working),refrigerators,marijuana, and good music...and a playstation 3. Get them stoned out of their minds on some really good weed,sit them in a nice cool house with a fridge full of munchies,throw on some tunes, and turn on the playstation. A big giant BLT might help as well. You're not going to hell for eating bacon dammit! Give them all that, and the next time some radical cleric comes looking for recruits to blow themselves up in the name of Allah, they would get a hearty fuck you and a swift kick in the balls.
Picture this...chilling out stoned on a comfy couch munching on a giant blt playing video games. Abdullah (generic name) knocks on your door and says its time to go blow yourself up to kill a few americans. I would give him the "what did the five fingers say to the face" in my best Rick James impression followed by the hardest back hand he had ever experienced. Now picture this...you're sitting on your dirt floor, with no electricity,no running water,no blt, and its 126 degrees. Abdullah comes knocking on your door and says its time to blow yourself up to kill some americans. I would look around at my horrible living conditions, take a quick stock of my life, and thank Abdullah as I was putting on the suicide vest...Shit he probably would not even need to mention the prospect of 72 hot chicks wanting to have sex with me in the afterlife. I could be wrong but I honestly think that may be the answer.

Peaceful????

Originally posted on Dec 13, 2007...I moved it here...
I read an op ed piece in the New York Times on Sunday asking where all the "moderate" muslims were. I have also seen several people who claim they are speaking for their faith saying that Islam is a peaceful religion, and that true muslims do not commit the atrocities that seem to dominate the news. They further claim that Islam has been hijacked by zealots who have bastardized an otherwise peaceful religion to serve their ulterior motives. OK, seems to be a fair argument, and up until this year I would have been shouting in agreement at the top of my lungs to whoever would listen. I wholeheartedly believed that we, as a predominantly judeo/christian society, needed to keep an open mind and be tolerant.
So last month a 19 year old Saudi woman met her ex boyfriend to have him return some pictures. It seems she was about to be married and wanted some pictures back. Both her and her friend were abducted by 7 men and gangraped brutally. She reported the crime to the Saudi police whereupon she was promptly arrested for breaking Islamic law. Her initial sentence was 90 lashes and her friend was given 90 lashes as well. Her sentence was upped after her lawyer brought the matter to the international press. She is now going to serve a 6 month jail term followed by 200 lashes (which is tantamount to a death sentence). It seems that by getting into a car of a man that she was not married to, she broke the Islamic Sharia law (the law of the land in Saudi Arabia). So this 19 year old girl who was subjected to the worst form of violence and humiliation will further suffer because Islam says she must. Incidentally, her lawyer is also facing disciplinary action by the courts for bringing it to the attention of the rest of the world. Some may say who cares...it happened all the way over in Saudi Arabia...could not happen here right? Try this one on for size... Last week in Toronto an 11th grade girl named Aqsa Parvez was brutally murdered by her father for refusing to wear a hijab (head scarf). KILLED BY HER FATHER!!!! Aqsa dishonored her devout father and family by refusing to cover her head. Aqsa wanted to fit in with the other girls in her class. She had no desire to cover her head. So it may be an isolated incident? Honor killings happen everday in islamic societies/communities. EVERYDAY! And, the person that does the killing is usually the father or the brother.I just cant swallow the Islam is a peaceful religion argument anymore. I have seen firsthand the results of suicide bombers (who believe they are doing the work of Allah). I have watched the videos of the attacks on 9/11. I have lost friends to bomb blasts. Peaceful??? There is nothing peaceful about a father killing his daughter...nothing. There is nothing peaceful about sentencing a victim of a horrific crime to prison. Please...dont just take my word for it. Do some research...there are plenty of ways to find these things out for yourself.
Some of my favorite shirts are religiously offensive here is an example...Jesus is Coming...Open Your Mouth! Now should I choose to wear a shirt like that I am reasonably certain someone will not try to kill me. And, I do not see mass riots going on by people who have taken offense to that shirt. A fairly funny comic depicting the prophet Muhammed wearing a turban that resembled a bomb caused worldwide riots and calls for the execution of the author. Peaceful?!?!?! So maybe the answer to the question posed in the New York Times is...There are no moderate muslims! I could be dead wrong but it does make me think....

Stupidity should hurt

I had originially posted this elsewhere...I have moved it here...
So I had a friend tell me she watched the TV show Cops last night. Cops, and the rest of the "when bad things happen cause I was really dumb" reality shows are a guilty pleasure. I love watching idiots be idiotic. I think my favorites are the when animals attack shows. They always show some dude who has a lion for a pet getting the crap beat out of him by said lion. The narrator is always pointing out that the lion is the lifelong friend and it has never been aggressive blah blah blah. They always show the aftermath as well. The lion owner after several reconstructive surgeries with a look on his face that is only shared by people who know from first hand experience what it is like to not be at the top of the food chain. The narrators voice always softens, and I always get the impression that I am supposed to be sympathetic. Do the folks sifting through the hours of video these shows receive sit around drinking beer saying things like..."whoa dude check this idiot out...he sticks his head in the mouth of an alligator and it clamps down!"? It must really suck to get bitten by an alligator,especially on your head but I just cant pull any sympathy out of my cold cold heart when it comes to that. I would really love to hear the interviewer say something like,"hey bro what the fuck were you thinking? You stuck your head in the mouth of a fucking alligator!". I dont know,maybe I am going to hell for laughing at the plight of others. While I am totally thankful that these people exist, and that they love to video tape their "hey man hold my beer watch this" moments, I sometimes just want to gather them all up and say something like,"Dude...you have a mullet,you wear a wife beater, and you drink heavily the deck is already stacked against you my friend.Dont stick your fucking head in an alligators mouth!". I fear my warnings would be lost on them though. I think at this late stage of the game if you dont know that sticking your head in an alligators mouth is a bad idea then all hope is lost, and maybe you were put on this earth for the amusement of people who know better. I could be wrong...I know when I do something stupid I usually say to myself " damn that was pretty fucking dumb" as I am on my way to the hospital...

Airline Travel

I was recently on a flight from DC to Los Angeles. I find the whole experience of air travel to be more than a little frustrating. Security in the airport is inadequate/incompetent on its best day. Travel with a carry on skydiving rig and it tends to make the situation worse. Then there are the seats! Seats on commercial planes seem to be getting smaller, and closer to other seats. When I fly I tend to not want to carry on much conversation with my seat mates. I am not anti social by any stretch, and I love to meet new people...just not on planes for some reason. Maybe its that by the time I finally make it to my seat in the plane I am so irked from dealing with everything that has to be dealt with at an airport that I just dont want to speak. I just want to relax and get through the flight. I am not rude by any stretch but I definitely put out the "I dont want to talk to you vibe".
So on this recent trip to LA I was in the middle seat. Not my favorite place to be at all. So I arrive at my seat to find I am seated between two of the largest people I have ever seen on an airplane (one needed the seat belt extension and it was still tight). They are both so big that they had the arm rests up, and I literally could not see all of my seat because these two people were spilling out of their seats into mine. This plane was completely full so I could not ask a flight attendant for another seat. So there I was looking at this impossibly small patch of seat fabric thinking that LA is not going anywhere do I really want to endure what I am about to endure on a non-stop flight? I squeeze myself into the seat,pull out my book, and try to forget that I now know what it must be like to be a sardine. I have only had two travel experiences more unpleasant than this one...a redeye train to NYC on Christmas eve, and a C-130 full of puking marines out of TQ Airbase near Fallujah. The person to my right wanted to chat...I quickly put a stop to that, and the person to my left was double fisting choclate chip cookies from a huge bag of chips ahoy. Everytime she dug into the bag she elbowed me in the ribs. So I spent most of that flight trying to remember if the people that were now using every bit of real estate in their seats, and encroaching on the real estate in my seat, actually paid for any of my seat. I dont recall the airline telling me I would have to share my tiny little seat...the folks sitting "next" to me certainly did not offer to pay for the portion of the seat they were using. It really pissed me off. We can put a man on the moon in 1969, and here it is 2007 and we cant make air travel comfortable. Seriously...if you are too big for one seat the airline should make you pay for two! Or an even better solution...an airline just for big people! The Lane Bryant of air travel if you will...I dunno...thats my rant for the day...