Monday, November 28, 2011

Can I Get a Witness...(to leave me the hell alone)

You would think being in such close proximity to a Mormon church I would be safe from the solicitations of the Jehovas Witnesses...No such luck. I have had four groups of witnesses come to my house in the last 3 weeks. Ok, that is not entirely true. I have had three seperate groups of witnesses show up, and one was a duplicate. Apparently my "not interested" was interpreted as "not interested right now" so they came back for good measure. While I admire the tenacity of the duplicate group, that knock on the door is not any less annoying.

I was born into a catholic family, and I attended catholic schools. I was an altar boy, I was confirmed, and I went to confession every month when I was a kid. When it became apparent to me that the catholic church had a policy of hiding pedophile priests, I stopped being catholic. People laugh when I say this, and think that I just stopped going to church. I stopped being catholic. I emailed the Vatican and asked how to officially end my participation in the Catholic church. I was given a short list of instructions, and a note from a concerned priest asking why I wanted to leave the church. I politely explained my reasons, and thanked him for his concern. I emailed the parish where I was baptized, and had my name removed from the baptismal records. I stopped being catholic...officially.

Now if I can do that with the religion that I was born into, how do you think I feel about perfect strangers knocking on my door asking me if I know Jesus? The answer is, it offends me like a Yankees fan in Fenway. OK so the flip side is that these perfect strangers are just looking out for my eternal soul...I get it. You dont have to knock on my door to tell me. Their concern for my soul is their business, and I really dont want to hear it. Maybe they are looking for a new poster child since Michael Jacksons father clearly is not good for public relations. Maybe I should be flattered?

Admittedly,all I really knew about the Jehovas Witnesses were that they knocked on doors, and distributed copies of "The Watchtower" magazine. Before sitting down to write this I decided to do a little research. What I found just reinforces the indisputable fact that I have zero business being a member of that faith. Next time they come around, and they will, I will engage them in discussion. I promise you they will leave thinking that I will spend eternity as a department head in hell.

Here are a few bullet points I intend to share with them next time they come a knockin'.

1.In order to be baptised into the faith you have to answer a series of 80 questions in front of a panel of elders.

I have always been a horrible test taker so there is one strike.

2.You can't have a tattoo.

That counts me out.

3. You must give up vacations in order to attend the annual convention.

My guess is that convention is not held in a cool place like Vegas. Furthermore anybody that knocks on my door thinking I am going to give up vacations to attend religious meetings had best go back to the drawing board in the thinking department.

4. You can't buy girl scout cookies.

This one needs no commentary...nuff said.

5. Heaven is limited to 144,000 Jehovas Witnesses

I dont have to worry too much there but WTF? That is like blowing yourself up in the name of Allah and finding out that it isn't 72 virgins for every martyr but 72 virgins total. They ran out of virgins years ago. Really though, what if you are running late, and get to the pearly gates at spot number 144,001? I would cause a hell of a scene!

There are several more do's and donts I could spout off, but what is the point really? I have been polite with every single group that has come to my door. Not anymore! I am thinking pretty seriously about heading to Powells Books to see if they have a copy of Anton Laveys satanic bible. Don't get me wrong, I am not considering satanism as a religious choice. Think of it as a literary equivalent of a whistle for telemarketers. I just want to see the look on a Jehovas Witness' face when I bust out that satanic bible and ask them if they know satans plan for us. My guess is that I wont have to ask them to leave, and they wont be coming back anytime soon.

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