Thursday, December 22, 2011

Just Call Me Ebenezer...

This is going to be a full on rant...If you are a fan of Christmas, and the horrible music that accompanies it, you might want to stop reading now. Also, I wrote this on my iphone...spelling might be an issue.


Ahhh, I feel better now. Sorry but that outburst was completely necessary. Every year around Thanksgiving they all start the heavy rotation of the same Christmas carols I have heard since I was a child. It makes me want to go to the nearest radio station studio and throw a jingle bell rock through the booth window,drag the DJ out, and run over his grandma with a reindeer.

I was sick of Michael Jackson screaming about Santa Claus coming to town in 1981. That song is not like a fine wine. It does not get any better with age. Despite being a Bruce Springsteen fan, he did not do any better. Dont even get me started with Biebers take on it. These were the thoughts running through my head as I sat in traffic on 95 yesterday.

I kept hitting the seek button desperately hoping one radio station had a program director who felt the same way I did. Twenty minutes of hitting the button had me seething with something that bordered on rage. I admitted defeat when the station landed on Mariah Carey screeching out some terrible Christmas torture. If I were Nick Cannon I do believe I would partake in the Cobain solution.

Every year some recording artist decides to make his/her mark with a Christmas album. They always hype the album as some original twist on an old favorite. It's the same damn song as last years artist recording his/her "original" twist. Re-packaging "White Christmas" every year since the damn song was written does not make it any better. That's right...I AM a mean one Mr. Grinch. I would much rather take a Holiday In Cambodia.

"How can you hate Christmas?" has been asked of me more than once. My unapologetic answer is "it's pretty easy". Spend 5 minutes watching the idiots trample/pepper spray one another so their precious child can spend the rest of the year playing the latest Grand Theft Auto. Spend twenty miles, and several hours, in traffic on an interstate listening to the same five Christmas carols recorded by different artists on every single station. Buy an 800 dollar plane ticket that costs 250 on any other day.

"Well it's all about family"

Another favorite line uttered by Christmas lovers everywhere. I love my family. I love my girlfriends family. I love spending time with both. What makes December 25th the end all and be all of family days??

"Well it's for the children"

Don't even get me started on that one.

"It's a celebration of the birth of the son of God"

Really?? I stopped believing that when I was 11 and asked a Sunday school teacher how it was possible that a woman could give birth without having sex. Im pretty sure IVF was not an option back then. Not to mention all the other aspects of that story that defy science.

Christmas, and all the trappings of, makes me want to hibernate like a bear. On any other day of the year if you find a fat dude crawling out of your chimney, said fat dude would be getting a load of buckshot and an ambulance ride. Apparently breaking and entering is OK on December 25th. Tell me I am wrong!

The spirit of giving, family time, and general niceness should be everyday, not just amplified to sickening dimensions on 25 December. I am the anti-Christmas...Scrooge incarnate. Send the spirits of Christmas past, present, and future...I will take them all!

My past has zero regret, my present is more incredible than I can possibly imagine, and my future is completely unwritten...but it looks like it's shaping up to be pretty awesome. Merry effin Christmas everyone...

1 comment:

Colin (Scotland) said...

not a comment on this ... but I had to send you thid link ... Cleveland ! ... worlds 1st rock concert ! ... who would have thunk it ! ... clearly you just got stationed there many cecades too late RG lol ,,,, although it does sound like they were needing good security back then too :D